I’m ___ Because ___ ...

I’m weird because…

• I like tortilla chips with frosting-- Specifically the kind that you put on cinnamon rolls.


• I prefer to NOT cuddle when I sleep-- touch me all you want while I'm awake... lay a finger on me while I am sleeping-- and it's on.


• I say I'm a "vegetarian" but I will eat Chicken and *gasp* bacon anytime it's offered.


• I have a cheap sunglasses and flip flop addiction.


• I would rather watch an entire season in 3 nights on DVD than watch a show weekly. As evidenced by my Netflix queue-- It's all Doctor Who and Raising Hope and Parenthood and Drake and Josh and Toddlers and Tiara's (Ignore those last two... I beg you)


• Instead of receiving flowers and jewelry as gifts, I’d rather receive books.. In fact-- I'd rather receive books than just about anything.


• and because of this: -- A random photo that I will just send to someone in my contact list on my phone for no reason.


• and because I *love* eating this-  Dry Seaweed Sheets sprinkled with powdered Wasabi ,

I’m a bad friend because…

• I sometimes take days to check my voice mail- Literally-- only check it to get rid of the annoying icon on my screen.


• I am terrible at returning phone calls and emails.


• I always say what I’m thinking-- especially if you don't want to hear it.


• I get upset when it takes longer for you to respond to me than it does for me to respond to you.

I’m a good friend because…

• I want to see those I love succeed.


• I love and cherish friendship-- I call my very bestest friends my Veggie bin :)

• I love my friends kiddos like they are my own.


• You can show up at my house at midnight to talk about your bad day, or call or text me at any time and I will answer.


• I’m not afraid to get silly and slap happy-- Obviously-
  

• I always say what I’m thinking, even if you don't want to hear it.


• No matter how long it’s been since we’ve talked, we always pick up where we left off.


• And no matter what you've done that you think is stupid.. you can always feel better knowing that I have probably done something much more idiotic.

I’m sad because…

• I wish my kids lived closer-- Aren't they gorgeous?

• I  get consumed with Momma guilt, especially not being nearby


• I sometimes (a lot of the time) let little things get in the way of the big picture.


• I need to be better at letting things roll off my back.


• I still don't have a full time job yet.

I’m happy because…

• It's Fall and that means the leaves are going to change


• I get to live in a place  where I can look outside and see sunsets like this:

So *why* are you *what* you are? I would love to have you join me for your own version of this post.  Fill in the prompts as they fit you–either in the comments section, or on your own blog and then leave a link in the comments so others can visit. Can't wait to see what makes you.. you.

Sports Sunday!!

It's Sunday in the fall and in New England ... that means sports-- and in my house -- that means it's PATRIOTS TIME!

Watching Bill Belicheck coach Tom Brady, Wes Welker-- (who, btw-- has officially got a game in EACH of his 86 games with the Pats-- No favorites here, lol, nope not at all ) and the rest of our team is a family tradition. Despite the fact that we are geographically separated,  the kids get to watch with their dad in Texas (Thank Goodness for NFL Sunday Ticket !) and I, being the lucky one.. get to watch all the Pats games on local channels.



But sports Sunday isn't just about sports watching--- it's about sports DOING.  What did you get out and do today?  Did you play a team sport-- did you do something sporty/fitness-y just by yourself ? I hiked 3.5 miles today out on a private trail up here in gorgeous Carroll County, NH.

Have a great rest of  Sports Sunday :)

Curse you stupid diseases...

It is 2 Years and 198 Days since I lost my mom to a stroke that incapacitated her for a week before ultimately taking her. It's been exactly year (minus an hour or two) since I lost my Nana (Mom's mom) to her battle with Breast Cancer.

It's stupid that we still have to deal with things like Strokes and Cancer when we live in a world that can take a man and put him on the moon-- or put a rover on Mars -- or make Twinkies that can last decades.

-- My mother.


-- my Nana

It's been 2 Years and 198 Days... It's been a year--- it's been time in which I’ve made so many changes and started growing in ways that I can only hope you’d be proud of. Everything I do, everything I strive for– you’re always in the back of my mind encouraging me, I can hear your voice telling me that I can do anything I set my mind to. I love you both-- The two strongest women I knew-- and I miss you every day.

Mom-- You were one of my best friends, my inspiration, my confidant, my hero. You were the glue holding our family together, she always had been. When we were little and my dad was deployed, I was never scared ...because mom was there. When I was a teenager and testing my boundaries, I always knew in the back of my head that no matter what happened, I'd be safe...because mom was there. When I joined the Air Force and moved away from home, I wasn't scared ...because I knew mom was there behind me. When I got married and had kids of my own...mom was right there beside me, each time. When I got divorced...mom was there. Mom was always there to turn to, to lean on, to confide in, and now...mom isn't there.

Nana-- when Mom passed, I cried like a baby in your arms. You-- who had just lost your oldest daughter, held her oldest daughter and comforted her. You became my mother figure, always there for me when I missed my mom, always willing to give a word of comfort or a hug. You sheltered me, fed me, You became our glue... and now, you aren't there.

I promise you both, you will never be forgotten. There will come a time when people don't have to lose loved ones to stupid diseases like strokes and cancer. Mom--I'm doing my part-- I signed up to be a marrow donor and renewed my organ donation status the day you left... It was your final wish to be able to help someone else out if you were able-- sadly, the stroke left you unable to do so, but I am. Nana-- I donate to cancer research every chance I get-- Someday, we will win.

Until then, screw you diseases.

 

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Blown Away

I am lucky enough to have a friend who has a friend who was able to score us amazing seats to the opening night of Carrie Underwood's Blown Away Tour... and yes, I was.

I'm not normally a huge country music fan-- One can only take so much of the he left me so I'm gonna smash his car/sit here and wait with a shotgun/bury him on the side of the road and build a farm stand over him before one wants to stab oneself in the eardrums, but um- I digress. To hear Carrie Underwood sing one of my moms favorite songs was just breathtaking.

  I'll admit it.. I cried.  I heard the opening notes and I knew it was going to be bad. I'm pretty sure the people around me were very confused as to why two grown adults were standing in the middle of the aisle with tears running down their cheeks at what was admittedly a very cheesy country song.  But she nailed it, she took Randy Travis's song and nailed it.  I remember walking in to the house growing up and hearing my mom singing along to this song.. and my friend who was fortunate enough to work with my mom remembers her singing along to it on the radio when ever she got them to change the radio channels to a country station.  It was a great moment of remembering my mom in a happy way :)

If I hadn't been able to hear any other song last night other than "I told you so"...  it still would have been a great night. She put on a great show and every song brought the crowd to it's collective feet, even employing a floating stage that took her out over the heads of the crowd on what looked like a floating deck, complete with Japanese lanterns and little lights.





 

It was a great show.. and I'm glad I put aside my country music prejudices to go watch. She's amazing.

 

If you give a girl a cookie (or a whoopie pie...)

I love my family , I really do, but they're killing me.  Literally.

This is what my Aunt brought me home from her dinner out tonight:



That's a 1 POUND, 7 inches across and 2 inches thick Whoopie Pie.  She thought I might be hungry since I walked almost 4 miles today and just had soup and salad for lunch and dinner.  I know she means well, but I just can't eat it. How do you say "thanks but no thanks" to a relative or loved one who despite their best intentions isn't helping you get any healthier?

What's your "Why"

I started thinking about this a while ago, and I guess the epiphany moment for me was that “weight-loss” itself can not, IS not, my “WHY.”

My “why” has to be more tied into what I want out of life, my long term dreams, my goals, my aspirations in life. How can I possibly get excited, how can I possibly dedicate myself to something that I have not linked to the more important things I want out of life. Yeah, I want to fit into smaller jeans, but c’mon, when I lay back on my deathbed and think of the important things in life, am I really going to reflect back to the day I finally fit into a pair of skinny jeans? Maybe, but probably not.

I realized that my “WHY” are my larger life goals, the things I want, my dreams, and that weight loss is merely one tiny step, one tiny part of that “why.” A healthy lifestyle is merely a tool that will allow me to live longer and pursue the kind of active lifestyle I want. And I guess what I am saying is that somewhere along this journey I lost that perspective, and a little bit of myself, as well. I did ultimately come to view myself as a number on the scale and that was a measurement of success/failure that I clung too. And it was for that number that I worked the various programs, with the goal being to get skinny. And of course, I had other reasons “to improve my heath” and to feel better, but I completely lost what that meant or why it was important. Simply losing became the goal and, honestly, a shallow, unsustainable, and hollow one. No wonder I burnt out, no wonder I can’t find dedication. If someone at the end of my life asked, “and what did you do with your life?” and my answer was “I lost a lot of weight,” that would be really, really sad. And of course, not true, because I was a good mother, a good friend, a caring person, but in terms of the goals that I set for myself and carried out, if losing was my only goal, I would not be satisfied, because losing weight in and of itself is simply not enough of a “why.”

Getting skinny is not going to take me to my goals and dreams, but it is a step towards them, not something I am simply doing for getting skinnys sake. At the same time, that being said, there are a lot of other steps/transformations that I need to be doing at the same time I am working my towards my weight loss goals. My weight loss is not my lifelong dream, it is a step towards the kind of life I want, but that life is not going to be magically waiting there for me once I hit goal. Larger dissatisfaction’s are not just going to melt away cause I am skinny. Shaky relationships are not going to miraculously improve just cause I got skinny. My self esteem is not going to magically improve because I am skinny (it may improve some, but so far, it hasn’t). It just isn’t.

So, I have decided to go about this weight loss thing from a slightly different angle, not as a goal in and of itself, but as a step towards the larger things I want out of life.

My “WHY” is ultimately to be able to live the kind of life that I want to lead. I want to lead an active, fit lifestyle so that I don’t ever feel my age. I want to be spared the kind of health problems my mom had. I want to be happy and proud of myself.

Anyway, I am not sure that this makes sense to anyone outside my head. But I wanted to write it down for myself and share it…

Perception vs. Reality

What do you see when you look in the mirror? I see a tired, haggard, 32- almost 33 year old with nothing going right for her. I see this:



That’s me two years ago…that’s me almost 70 pounds ago. That’s the person who doesn’t think anything can change for her, who doesn’t think she’s worth the effort of taking time for herself and doing the things that make her happy and healthy. When I look in to the mirror and see this girl looking out, I get angry. I get so frustrated because I know that’s not the person that should be reflecting back at me. Other people comment on my progress and tell me how much I’ve changed…how much younger and healthier I look. I wonder when I’ll be able to see it in myself..I wonder when this will be the face that’s staring back at me from the mirror.